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Thomas
05 January 2009 @ 10:44 pm

26 December 8:25AM

 

This is going to be a long trip. My headphones already broke about an hour through the drive. So I might have to buy some more in Phoenix. This really sucks :/ These were nice headphones, too. :(

 

27 December 1:50AM

 

This is really going to be a long trip. My only hope is that my friend, who has been on six cruises, hooked up on every single one of them. Maybe I will. Fat fucking chance. So we ran out of gas outside of Deming, in the middle of absolutely fucking nowhere. I had to stay with the car while the rest of the occupants hitchhiked to go get gas from the town. It was windy, super lonely, and my headphones were broken. After an hour they returned. We got to Phoenix around 6 PM. My cousin, my brother, and I vandalized some graffiti in a wash. I have never done anything like that before, so it was rather exhilarating. We painted over swastikas, with frowny faces, writing “Nazism is ignorance.” Besides that, it's been boring and incredibly, incredibly lonely. Also, nobody bothered to check us in for the cruise online, so guess who is doing that? Yeah, me. Also I have to drive us to LA tomorrow, where we will stay a night in a fucking hotel. Fuck that.

 

27 December 2:00AM

 

Joelle, I fucking miss you. I haven't talked to you in ages, and you wont talk to me anymore. But I miss you so much. You will never know. And its killing me.

 

30 December 10:30AM

 

So I guess we're in Cabo now. That's what the captain said. I'm still in my room waiting for Andy to get out of the shower. This has been an exciting trip so far. Driving to LA was an ungodly challenge that should not be attempted by the weak of heart. The hotel was huge as huge as my dick, which is to say several dozen stories tall. After a night of drunk parents, sleeping with other men, and texting until 4 AM, we boarded the gigantic ship (is the captain compensating for something?). What I couldnt understand was the fact that the grown ups were completely stressing out about everything – elevators, luggage, etc. Do they ever take a vacation? I just escaped and hoped we would be left alone during the trip, which we were. Our room is tiny especially for four people and a big mess. The showers are nice and warm though. I have to say, this trip is rather boring, there isn't a whole lot to do. Then again, I haven't been in the heated swimming pool. I've been doing some youth activities but my family is pretty much the only people who attend. However, I have met some cool people. Aunt Susan talked to this girl my age named Ashley, a Lithuanian. She's... blunt. If you are saying something that annoys her, she tells you to shut up. She kept pretending to shove this stalker kid that was following us overboard behind his back. Did I mention she was hot? Oh well, she's not interested in me. At the “dance parties” we have at 12:30 AM I also met this pretty hot girl with snake bites and piercings and short dyed red hair. She's pretty nice and I guess she wants to grind with me tonight (or as she says, partake in some dry sex). Her name's Emily. This whole boat is loaded with free food, it's awesome. The formal dinners are not awesome. I don't really know what more there is to say.

 

31 December 2:07 AM

 

We went to Cabo today. We got offered some drugs when we got off the boat, haha. The guy was selling necklaces, and as we walked by, he whispered into my ear “would you like to buy some drugs?” I declined. We chilled on the beach, ate nachos, and had our parents attempt to sneak us into a topless bar. Then I walked around the ship for awhile, took a shower three times, then chilled in the hot tub. Emily was in one of the hot tubs, we did some crazy charades to pretend like we werent trying to figure out how to get in the hot tub with her. Eventually we just did it. She's really cool, she's a lot like me. Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend, (which she got two days before the trip... ugh!) but if she didn't she said she would hook up with me. So I'm really frustrated and angsty over that whole thing, but she's really awesome in a lot of ways so I'll probably be with her for the rest of the trip. Ugh I am depressed, life on this boat has no meaning, yet I don't want to go back home. I just want to be with Emily, but like always, things werent meant to be. I of course respect her decision, but it really fucking hurts :/ I guess I can just keep pretending to not really care all that much but I do and it's making me feel a lot of anxiety and hopelessness. Sigghhhh. Why cant there be more girls like her in Albuquerque? It fucking sucks. It all fucking sucks.

 

1 January 1:22 AM

 

can't stop crying can't stop the darkness completely alone fucking help me please if there is any mercy in the world whatsoever make it all stopg;raldh

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2 January 2:36 AM

 

...

 

3 January 2:40 AM

 

Blogging is the last thing I want to do right now. :)

 

 

5 January 6:16 PM

 

Well I got back from the trip last night. Had to drive on I-40 through a blizzard. Went 25 mph on a road covered in black ice while cars in front of me drove off the road, tipped over, rolled over, or crashed into eachother. Scary stuff. Traffic westbound was backed up a good 40 miles because of one semi. I bet half of the Department of Transportation was out there.

I still cant get over the gaping hole in me. Emily. She's the most amazing person I've ever met. I could say so much about her. She made me feel special, loved, cared about, wanted... It was amazing and I will never forget it. But leaving her made me feel so completely empty. I want to find someone like her. She showed me what a true close friend would be like, something that I have not really experienced. Amazing. Im hoping to see her sometime soon as I am planning on skiing Whistler and she lives in Vancouver.

I knocked these items off of my “things to do before I die” list:

  • Cuddle in a hot tub

  • Do sexy things in a hot tub

  • Make out in an elevator

  • Fall asleep holding someone

 

Hooray! Of course, my other family members were cool too, Andy and Sarah especially, in addition to the new friends we made like Dan, Kevin, Tessa, Michael, Alex, Ashley, and others. Dan was a Canadian metal head, Kevin a freaky dancer, Tessa Andy's lover, Alex apparently used to go to my school in Tucson, Michael a flamboyant faaaaaaaaa....... All cool kids. The cruise itself wasnt all that great, but the people on it made it great.

It's good to just take a fuckin' vacation. Thanks grandparents. Thanks Emily. :)

 
 
Thomas
20 December 2008 @ 02:05 am
Wow  
I was cutting my wrists like usual and for some reason it really sickened me this time around.  I suddenly threw up all over my wrist which burned like no other.  I didn't even feel it coming.  I just hurled.

Ugh.
 
 
Thomas
20 December 2008 @ 01:29 am
Hit me so fucking hard that it knocks me off my feet into the cold hard pavement keep pounding my face until its unrecognizable till youre beating a bloody unrecognizable pulp that can never be fully restored until my teeth are lodged in my throat and i can no longer scream only gurgling and writhing helplessly.

and just leave me there.  let me be "rescued"
 
 
Thomas
25 November 2008 @ 03:16 pm
Whoever cut the lock off of my locker and stole my cell phone and mp3 player.


THEY WERE BOTH NEW. AND EXPENSIVE AS FUCK.


FUCK YOU. I DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING MONEY TO REPLACE THEM.


THEY MEAN A LOT TO ME MOTHERFUCKER. ESPECIALLY SINCE IM GROUNDED AND ITS ALL I HAVE.


FUCK YOU.
 
 
Thomas
21 November 2008 @ 03:11 pm
   .
 
 
 
Thomas
16 November 2008 @ 10:10 pm
so empty
 
 
Thomas
16 November 2008 @ 12:12 pm
I couldn't remember why I pirate *all* of my games, but when I went to day to play RCT3 (a game I own on a disc), I put the disc in the drive, and was told to use the real disc and not a copy of the disc.  Even though I was using the legitimate disc.

Guess I'll keep pirating until we get some less draconian DRM measures.
 
 
Thomas
16 November 2008 @ 12:19 am
Well I got in another relationship.  I really think this one will last.  She's different than anyone I've dated.  A lot different.

Just remember.  11-16-2008.
 
 
Thomas
05 November 2008 @ 10:38 pm
I may get her back if I prove I can be happy.
 
 
Thomas
01 November 2008 @ 09:52 pm
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FUCK FUCK
I WANT TO DIE
I WANT TO KILL MYSELF
THERE IS NO HOPE LEFT
CANT WAKE UP FROM THE NIGHTMARE
NOBODY THERE FOR ME
NOBODY CARES
THEY JUST MAKE IT WORSE
SCREAMING OUT FOR HELP
NOBODY REALIZES IT
ITS JUST A BIG FUCKING JOKE
TO EVERYONE
CANT RELY ON ANYONE
CAN ONLY RELY ON MYSELF
BUT IM NOT RELIABLE
IM CORRUPTED
BY SADNESS
AND ITS EVERYONES FUCKING FAULT
BUT MOSTLY MY OWN
I WANT TO DIE


WHYYYYYYYYYYY

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SLIT YOUR WRISTS YOU STUPID EMO KID
NOBODY CARES IN THE END